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Thread: back up for air

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    North Dakota

    Default back up for air

    Yes, I am still with us. The rest of me is elsewhere. I have um been through a wringer of sorts both good and bad and cant remember what my last post was about so here goes. While back in first part of May I spoke on the phone with my 84 year old father and found out that he is in first stages of dementia and has been for some time but only verified in last couple years though a social worker at a hospital when he had pancreatitis and surgery for it. My half brother( the eldest of two youngers) had to go bring him from Idaho to New Mexico to live with him due to the fact that Dad basically decided that he couldn't handle the Idaho winters anymore. I at the time assumed that it was Dad's decision and not one made by the brother based on what social worker had told him and other incidents like Dad having 5 accidents with his vehicle and getting ticketed and having his insurance dropped down to only liability.
    In November of last year he was moved to New Mexico with brother and things progressed from there. Son tried to tell Dad he had first stages and Dad refused to accept.. Wrong way to do things first of all but son didn't know that at the time.
    Now the good part. My father and mother were divorced before I was born and he was not there physically or gave any financial support. It wasn't even in the divorce decree. I never met him until 2007 or 08..
    During my life I've had jobs helping families with elderly loved ones as a live in nanny, caregiver, cook, housekeeper, chauffeur etc. So do you see where this is going?
    How did that come about? I went the white pages on the internet and found him, phone calls and letters which were few and cards (a couple) and a visit a year later face to face where I lived and mom wasn't far away.
    It was definitely weird and it wasn't about closure.. Just wanted to know if he actually existed.
    So in May of this year during phone conversation with him I found out that he and his oldest son got into a tiff and he was asked to find another place to live. He wanted to come up where I live which wasn't a good idea seeing as how he would have had a problem repacking and making the trip with his driving problems.
    I talked him into staying there till something better came along.
    Meanwhile I was making plans to go to Montana and work there but one day I got this gut feeling that something was really really wrong and I headed south to New Mexico.
    When I got there it was a good thing I did he was moving all his personal belongings himself and having to buy furniture a la K Mart ITB pieces and put them together himself.
    Now don't get me wrong he is a smart man but nobody 84 years old should have to do this regardless of their past or financial means.
    So I when I called and told him I was on the way for a visit he was elated.
    Me being 60 years old and him being that old we had to figure a way to set his housekeeping up. I stayed 34 days with my dog and cat and helped him move bookcases and boxes and what not and put together furniture kits.
    But with him signing a six month lease that said no pets I legally couldn't stay any longer.
    He isn't at the stage where he really doesn't take care of things but being a bachelor for over 15 years ( his second wife died of cancer) He tends to do things his way and cannot see that you do need to take a shower at least every other day and change clothes at least same time.
    He is also a veteran. I had to leave when he exploded because I insisted that it was time for him to take a shower after 6 days.
    Knowing patients rights and knowing it was useless at this time because there is no diagnosis yet I just basically went back to where I came from.
    We talk on the phone but I have to wait ,, me and the two half brothers half to wait for November to roll around when he has to take his driver's license test again and eye exam as well.. Brother said he barely passed it last year when he moved down there.
    So unfortunately we are waiting for him to either have a very bad accident or for him to flunk the eye exam and the keys can be taken away with the help of his doctor.
    We have checked everything out and we don't have any legal standing to take the keys and It will be down to me living down there close by so I can take him places and such and he already has a Home Care visitor who gets paid to check on him occasionally by the VA.
    I've been asked how can I do this. My answer, with kindness and respect because he is an elder.
    I don't hold anything against him. All my life I just wanted to know if he existed or was just a family rumor. My biggest fear was that I'd find out he was a homeless guy somewhere in bad shape.
    Our biggest problem will be if he will accept me as a gaurdian and maybe the oldest son back as executor and power of attorney. I don't know if that rift will ever be repaired.
    I got to meet my younger brother ( the oldest of the two) and it was awesome, it took some courage on his part to meet me. The younger one asked for a dna test and is afraid I'm after the inheritance which is a crock.
    I got some time to spend with a father I never got to have. We did some things that I consider a great memory, we put furniture together. We went to garage sales and grocery shopping and I got to cook for him. I also got to give him his first ever Father's Day gift from me.
    Its a shame I could't send him appropriate birthday cards for dads cause they don't exist same as father's day . So I did get to find some Generic Christmas cards during that time.
    When I got back I met a lady who was taking care of her mother and she gave me an awesome book to help me deal with maybe having to be Dad's caregiver when the time comes. i
    Its called "The 36 Hour Day" I've learned so much and its helped me understand what happened before I went down to visit.
    No I didn't get mad at his son for basically throwing him out. He gave him 30 days to leave. I just cant imagine having to make that decision.
    So until November or another catastrophe comes along I have his last four of his SSN and his birth date. I am only a biological offspring but I hold the cards when the time comes.
    Weird how things work out huh? I will be traveling with a great friend of mine who has no idea what I do concerning things like this website and my other activities.
    But on my way back to ND I stopped at my aunt and uncles and visited with family and learned that at least two of my cousins visit the website. We have yet to really really talk deep down and dirty about preparedness and my brother that I got to meet laughs when the word prepper came up in his conversation. I didn't blink an eye.
    So.....What's in your wallet????????
    Last edited by silvergramma; 08-07-2017 at 02:57 PM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    N. Texas


    I think I just read a movie script. Good for you SG.
    "The First Gay President", L'dMAO!! "Peace can ONLY be achieved through SUPERIOR FIREPOWER, STOMPING LIBS and CARPETBOMBING"!!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2016


    Wow silvergramma,

    You are describing my father before he passed two years ago. He too had to be heavily persuaded to take a bath or shower.

    I can understand what you are going through. Both my sister and myself had our hands full with him.

    And yes...we tried to be kind and understanding...

    Thanks for your story.


  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    North Dakota


    Brother found out through research that when the taste buds go .. on goes the salt.. so I bought lots of salt substitute while I was there,, he also told me the olfactory nerves are somehow connected and they don't realize that they cant taste and they cant smell either unless its really really good coffee!!! So how's a guy or gal supposed to know the body odor is off in the red zone? Brother and cousin build him a wider stand up shower and it still didn't make any difference.
    His eyesight is bad also,, why,, Cause he wont wear his glasses!!!! He almost chewed up a cashier in a convenience store cause there weren't any buttons on the gas pump. Plus he almost killed one of those electric carts you can ride in inside Walmart.. he tried choking it to death! yeah I wanted to walk away after that but somehow managed to keep my cool. Sometimes I'm waiting for the director to call "ACTION!" I told him you take a shower or I'm calling in the VA,,he basically challenged me on it. Yelling at me"Who the hell do you think you are and so forth!"he physically abused his two sons , he was a brute and a tyrant from what others told me so I can basically thank God I wasn't raised by him..if that would have been the case we all three would have probably run away from home.
    Last edited by silvergramma; 08-24-2017 at 11:40 AM.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    North Dakota


    since I have been back in ND I have gone through all four of my storage units to tighten up and pack the boxes better with shipping tape and get them all labeled as to whats inside and what room they will go in when I find another place. Probably sometime this week if the wind lets up I'll be ready to throw all my clothes in the Expedition and go meandering to find where I belong cause I sure as hell don't feel like I belong here anymore. Last winter was the straw that broke the camel's back for me.
    I'll be putting new brakes on even if I have to have new rotors and calipers thrown in as well, before I leave out. Traveling with a dog and cat which is all I've got left of the critters on the farm. It may be difficult to find a job that will let me have them on premises,, going through the website for positions. yeah I know another adventure but when doors close where you are you know what you gotta do.. find the windows. I've been living in the Expidition since I got back to ND and staying below the radar. The local leo here know that I'm at the storage units and what I'm doing. Locals complained cause some strange person is there too much! Of all freaking things I basically told the leos twice that I have to get them rearranged to get ready to move everything so I can leave and get ready to go take care of my dad. Meanwhile I'm going to enjoy myself and the freedom I still have.. It hasn't been easy and nobody else in the family aunts uncles or cousins even know what I've been going through since I got back from New Mexico. What good would it do to even tell them. I'm the crazy one in the family. But here I can vent and get encouragement and input. The nights here have been down to the 50's and one morning it was 47 degrees. Just a lil nippy. So I just went and grabbed about 5 different sweatshirts so I'll have stuff to start layering with.
    Now I'm off to find a really good cup of coffee that I don't have to make in the car.. which I have the unit that allows me to do that now. You guys be good and I'll probably get back on sooner than later depends on what I find out there before I take off.. Hugs to everybody

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