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Thread: Tools we all need

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2011
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    2,028

    Default Tools we all need

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock from your hands, smacking you in the chest, flinging your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "AW, SH^+!!"

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. Used in conjunction with a tape measure.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: A tool normally used under a car, when changing oil, for punching thru the oil filter in order to wash your eyes out with hot oil sludge. Also used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads, thus preparing them for pliers.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool normally used for opening paint cans, but like its cousin the Phillips, is also used to prepare common slotted screws for pliers.

    PLIERS: Often used for making blood-blisters, but primarily used to round off bolt and screw heads in preparation for vice-grips.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Can be used to produce fireworks when you turn it on and hold it over that cherished antique just as your wife walks into the garage.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle that transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence its course, the more crooked and unpredictable the motion becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Often used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand, but primarily used after pliers to finish rounding off and/or removing bolt and screw heads in preparation for E-Z OUT.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost exclusively for setting various objects in your shop on fire, such as the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

    RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing the integrity of shop walls and garage doors.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: Tool used to finish the job started by screwdrivers, pliers, and vice-grips. The extractor bit is ten times harder than any known screw, bolt, or drill bit. It is designed to snap neatly off in the hole, thereby ending any possible future use.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power cutting tool primarily used to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can. Also does a much better job of removin g fingerprints and calluses than the wire wheel.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    CRAFTSMAN 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle that could only fit screws used to join six-inch plate metal in aircraft carrier shipyards.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate thumbs and other more expensive objects that are adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

    TAPE MEASURE: A retractable measuring device that is graduated in inches. Each inch mark has three variable positions on the tape; an accurate position and two others, each an inch to the left or right of the accurate position. This tool is used, in conjunction with the Skill saw, to turn the adage, "Measure twice, cut once," into "Measure six, cut three."

    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw out of the garage, across the street, and into the storm drain while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the tool that you will need next.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
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    Roaming Central Texas
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    Default

    That's some funny stuff BamBam!!!!!
    By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. Ben Franklin

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    minnesota
    Posts
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    Yes, very complete list but may I suggest instead of hammer, BFH, the bigger the more useful.

  4. #4
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    Jan 2010
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    Mountains & Lakes of the extreme NorthEast
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    Default

    LOL

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Sweet Tennessee
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    Dam skippy! I'm printing this and putting it into my shop...... I finally had to put my coffee down I spit it all over my screen, so refrained from taking another sip, but I was chuckling so hard it was splashing out the mug.
    Don't bring skittles to a gun fight.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    East Tennessee
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    2,324

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    Too funny. But useful as well.
    Greater love hath no man than this, That a man lay down his life for a friend.
    John 15:13

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Central Texas
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    2,689

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    I have never before seen a more accurate list! I'm sure my family is wondering why there is hysterical laughter coming from the bathroom right now.
    Prepare for the worst, hope for the best

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
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    3,622

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    Quote Originally Posted by 91CavGT View Post
    I have never before seen a more accurate list! I'm sure my family is wondering why there is hysterical laughter coming from the bathroom right now.
    Ditto, Cav, Ditto! LMAO!!!!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
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    3,622

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    Quote Originally Posted by bambam View Post
    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock from your hands, smacking you in the chest, flinging your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "AW, SH^+!!"

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. Used in conjunction with a tape measure.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: A tool normally used under a car, when changing oil, for punching thru the oil filter in order to wash your eyes out with hot oil sludge. Also used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads, thus preparing them for pliers.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool normally used for opening paint cans, but like its cousin the Phillips, is also used to prepare common slotted screws for pliers.

    PLIERS: Often used for making blood-blisters, but primarily used to round off bolt and screw heads in preparation for vice-grips.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Can be used to produce fireworks when you turn it on and hold it over that cherished antique just as your wife walks into the garage.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle that transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence its course, the more crooked and unpredictable the motion becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Often used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand, but primarily used after pliers to finish rounding off and/or removing bolt and screw heads in preparation for E-Z OUT.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost exclusively for setting various objects in your shop on fire, such as the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

    RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing the integrity of shop walls and garage doors.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: Tool used to finish the job started by screwdrivers, pliers, and vice-grips. The extractor bit is ten times harder than any known screw, bolt, or drill bit. It is designed to snap neatly off in the hole, thereby ending any possible future use.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power cutting tool primarily used to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can. Also does a much better job of removin g fingerprints and calluses than the wire wheel.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    CRAFTSMAN 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle that could only fit screws used to join six-inch plate metal in aircraft carrier shipyards.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate thumbs and other more expensive objects that are adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

    TAPE MEASURE: A retractable measuring device that is graduated in inches. Each inch mark has three variable positions on the tape; an accurate position and two others, each an inch to the left or right of the accurate position. This tool is used, in conjunction with the Skill saw, to turn the adage, "Measure twice, cut once," into "Measure six, cut three."

    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw out of the garage, across the street, and into the storm drain while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the tool that you will need next.
    The DAMMIT tool for me would likely be a one foot piece of 2x4, the one I use to kill the cockroaches, and about the time it went into the storm drain the cockroaches would probably come out the wood work after my old gnarly ass!

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Location
    Lake LBJ, Texas
    Posts
    6,810

    Default

    Only one missing really only applies to oilfield, but every rig has a 48" pipe wrench or Stilson but referred to as a 48. Worked one rig that had a 72. About killed several of us a few times. Toolpusher liked the damn thing and as it was a 2-3 man tool, get the whole crew to get it to bite on the nut, bolt, whatever, and then have us get a 35' piece of pipe off the pipe rack, hump it over, and use it as a cheater.
    Once on safari in deepest darkest Afganistan we ran out of Gin, and were compelled to survive on food and water for several days.


    I typically carry a flask of vodka for snakebites. I also carry a small snake.- W. C. Fields

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