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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #551
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  2. #552
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  3. #553
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  4. #554
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    Last edited by Illini Warrior; 08-01-2019 at 08:01 PM.

  5. #555
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    A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.

    They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

    While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?
    The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

    The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

    'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

    On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

    The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

    The old lady replied,

    'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

  6. #556
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    Quote Originally Posted by Illini Warrior View Post
    Invalid attachments, contact administrator blah blah blah
    Approach with a calm resolve, attack with reckless indifference. Gladius Republicae!
    "...use Gold like it's gunpowder..."

  7. #557
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    Quote Originally Posted by VoorTrekker View Post
    Invalid attachments, contact administrator blah blah blah

    for whatever reason they don't upload correctly the first time >>> takes a 2nd whack

  8. #558
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    LOL Bam that's great. When I first started reading it I was hoping that it was a joke I had heard some time ago. I hate that I have a horrible memory....... Anyway the punch line was somewhere along the lines of..... a *uck for a buck and 50 bucks for a *ucked up duck...
    Don't bring skittles to a gun fight.

  9. #559
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    Quote Originally Posted by Illini Warrior View Post
    for whatever reason they don't upload correctly the first time >>> takes a 2nd whack
    Nope, second and third whack and same message.
    Approach with a calm resolve, attack with reckless indifference. Gladius Republicae!
    "...use Gold like it's gunpowder..."

  10. #560
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    I think this is it flock ;

    So there was this farmer, his son, and the only animal on their farm that survived the winter: a duck. One day the farmer is sittin down paying off last months heating bill when he realized that they were broke. He told his son to go into town and sell the duck for as much money that he could get. So the boy started off to town. He came up to a prostitute that was uglier than the ass of the duck he carried in his arms. The hooker looked straight at the boy and said, "The f'ing begins at $10, you got $10?" The boy had no money, so he started to walk away, but the hooker stopped him and said that she would accept that duck in his hands instead of $10. The boy gleefully accepted, so they went off and had sex. An hour later, as the boy was leaving, the hooker pleaded that he f her again because it was the best f'ing of her life. She offered him the duck back, and they went at it again. Another hour passes, and the boy heads home, duck in hand. On the way, the duck gets spooked and flies from the boys hands. It flew directly into the path of an oncoming car, obliterating the duck. The man driving gets out and apologizes for the boys duck. The man hands the boy 25 dollars for his trouble and goes on his way. Later, the boy goes home and hands his father 25 dollars. The father notices that his son looks exhausted and asks him, "What happened?" The boys reply was this: "I got a F for a duck, a duck for a f, and 25 bucks for a f'ed up duck."

    source: http://jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/heatingbilljokes.html

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