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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #311
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    The eighty-three year old lady, doris,*finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "you are in fine shape for your age, mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

    "just a minute, i'll have to ask my husband", she said.

    She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

    "bob, do we still have intercourse?"

    there was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.

    Bob answered impatiently, "if i told you once, doris, i've told you a hundred times.
    What we have is...

    Blue cross!"

  2. #312
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    My wife has been missing for 7 days, the police called today and told me to prepare for the worst case scenario......... I went to goodwill and picked all of her stuff back up.
    Don't bring skittles to a gun fight.

  3. #313
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    Quote Originally Posted by flock6 View Post
    My wife has been missing for 7 days, the police called today and told me to prepare for the worst case scenario......... I went to goodwill and picked all of her stuff back up.
    you are one sick puppy Flock. But then again, might as well make the best out of a bad situation.

  4. #314
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    Sometimes you’re on top of the world…A doctor goes out and buys the fastest and flashiest car he can find, a brand new Ferrari 488, costing him $500,000.

    He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 80 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny? ”The doctor grins and replies, “A brand new Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”“Because this car can do up to 225 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The old moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”“No problem,” replies the doctor.So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

    Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be… and suddenly…WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!Something whips by him, going much faster!“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 200 mph.WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

    Astounded by the speed of his old geezer, he floors the gas pedal at.v.nd takes the Ferrari all the way up to 225 mph.Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

    The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops, jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive!He runs up to the bruised old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”The old man whispers, “Well son, you can unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
    Don't bring skittles to a gun fight.

  5. #315
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    An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
    The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.One day he was setting off to*go hunting.
    In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
    As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
    Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
    "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
    The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
    The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

  6. #316
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    !!! That was subtle Bambam...had to think for a moment. LOL.

  7. #317
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    GRINS AND SNICKERS

    I WAS IN THE SIX ITEM EXPRESS LANE AT THE STORE QUIETLY FUMING.
    COMPLETELY IGNORING THE SIGN, THE WOMAN AHEAD OF ME HAD SLIPPED INTO THE
    CHECK-OUT LINE PUSHING A CART PILED HIGH WITH GROCERIES. IMAGINE MY
    DELIGHT WHEN THE CASHIER BECKONED THE WOMAN TO COME FORWARD LOOKED INTO
    THE CART AND ASKED SWEETLY, "SO WHICH SIX ITEMS WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY?"
    Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
    ------------------------------ -------- ----------------------

    BECAUSE THEY HAD NO RESERVATIONS AT A BUSY RESTAURANT, MY ELDERLY
    NEIGHBOR AND HIS WIFE WERE TOLD THERE WOULD BE A 45 MINUTE WAIT FOR A
    TABLE.
    "YOUNG MAN, WE'RE BOTH 90 YEARS OLD," THE HUSBAND SAID. "WE MAY NOT HAVE
    45 MINUTES."
    THEY WERE SEATED IMMEDIATELY.
    ------------------------------ ---------
    THE REASON POLITICIANS TRY SO HARD TO GET RE-ELECTED IS THAT THEY WOULD
    "HATE" TO HAVE TO MAKE A LIVING UNDER THE LAWS THEY HAVE PASSED.
    ------------------------------ -----------------
    ALL EYES WERE ON THE RADIANT BRIDE AS HER FATHER ESCORTED HER DOWN THE
    AISLE. THEY REACHED THE ALTAR AND THE WAITING GROOM. THE BRIDE KISSED
    HER FATHER AND PLACED SOMETHING IN HIS HAND.
    THE GUESTS IN THE FRONT PEWS RESPONDED WITH RIPPLES OF LAUGHTER. EVEN
    THE PRIEST SMILED BROADLY.
    AS HER FATHER GAVE HER AWAY IN MARRIAGE, THE BRIDE GAVE HIM BACK HIS
    CREDIT CARD.
    ------------------------------ -----------------
    WOMEN AND CATS WILL DO AS THEY PLEASE, AND MEN AND DOGS SHOULD RELAX AND
    GET USED TO THE IDEA.
    ------------------------------ -----------------
    THREE FRIENDS FROM THE LOCAL CONGREGATION WERE ASKED, "WHEN YOU'RE IN
    YOUR CASKET, AND FRIENDS AND CONGREGATION MEMBERS ARE MOURNING OVER YOU,
    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE THEM TO SAY?"
    ARTIE SAID, "I WOULD LIKE THEM TO SAY I WAS A WONDERFUL HUSBAND, A FINE
    SPIRITUAL LEADER, AND A GREAT FAMILY MAN."
    EUGENE COMMENTED, "I WOULD LIKE THEM TO SAY I WAS A WONDERFUL TEACHER
    AND SERVANT OF GOD WHO MADE A HUGE DIFFERENCE IN PEOPLE'S LIVES.."
    AL SAID, "I'D LIKE THEM TO SAY, 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!'"
    ------------------------------ ------ ------------------------
    SMITH CLIMBS TO THE TOP OF MT. SINAI TO GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO TALK TO GOD.

    LOOKING UP, HE ASKS THE LORD. "GOD, WHAT DOES A MILLION YEARS MEAN TO
    YOU?"
    THE LORD REPLIES, "A MINUTE."
    SMITH ASKS, "AND WHAT DOES A MILLION DOLLARS MEAN TO YOU?"
    THE LORD REPLIES, "A PENNY."
    SMITH ASKS, "CAN I HAVE A PENNY?"
    THE LORD REPLIES, "IN A MINUTE."
    ------------------------------ -------------------
    A MAN GOES TO A SHRINK AND SAYS, "DOCTOR, MY WIFE IS UNFAITHFUL TO ME.
    EVERY EVENING, SHE GOES TO LARRY'S BAR AND PICKS UP MEN. IN FACT, SHE
    SLEEPS WITH ANYBODY WHO ASKS HER! I'M GOING CRAZY WHAT DO YOU THINK I
    SHOULD DO?"
    "RELAX," SAYS THE DOCTOR, "TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND CALM DOWN.
    NOW, TELL ME, EXACTLY WHERE IS LARRY'S BAR?"
    ------------------------------ -------------------
    JOHN WAS ON HIS DEATHBED AND GASPED PITIFULLY, "GIVE ME ONE LAST
    REQUEST, DEAR," HE SAID.
    "OF COURSE, JOHN," HIS WIFE SAID SOFTLY.
    "SIX MONTHS AFTER I DIE," JOHN SAID, "I WANT YOU TO MARRY BOB."
    "BUT I THOUGHT YOU HATED BOB," SHE SAID..
    WITH HIS LAST BREATH JOHN SAID, "I DO!"
    ------------------------------ --------
    A MAN GOES TO SEE THE RABBI. '
    "RABBI, SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS HAPPENING AND I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT
    IT."
    THE RABBI ASKED, "WHAT'S WRONG?"
    THE MAN REPLIED, "MY WIFE IS GOING TO POISON ME."
    THE RABBI, VERY SURPRISED BY THIS, ASKS, "HOW CAN THAT BE?"
    THE MAN THEN PLEADS, "I'M TELLING YOU, I'M CERTAIN SHE'S GOING TO POISON
    ME.WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
    THE RABBI THEN OFFERS, "TELL YOU WHAT. LET ME TALK TO HER, I'LL SEE WHAT
    I CAN FIND OUT AND I'LL LET YOU KNOW."
    A WEEK LATER THE RABBI CALLS THE MAN AND SAYS, "I SPOKE TO YOUR WIFE ON
    THE PHONE FOR THREE HOURS. YOU WANT MY ADVICE?
    THE MAN SAID, "YES" AND THE RABBI REPLIED, "TAKE THE POISON!
    Sent from my iPhone

  8. #318
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    The lady of the house has no sense of humor, I'm still laughing
    Don't bring skittles to a gun fight.

  9. #319
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    AVOCADOS

    A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.*
    *
    A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.* The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"*
    *
    He replied, "They had avocados."
    *
    If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!* Men will get it the first time.*
    *
    My work is done here.
    *
    *


    WATER IN THE CARBURETOR
    *
    WIFE:* "There is trouble with the car.* It has water in the carburetor."
    *
    HUSBAND:* "Water in the carburetor?* That's ridiculous "
    *
    WIFE:* "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
    *
    HUSBAND:* "You don't even know what a carburetor is.* I'll check it out.
    *
    Where's the car?
    *
    WIFE: "In the pool".
    *

    *
    STATISTIC
    *
    THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
    *
    25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
    *
    That's scary.* It means 75% are running around untreated.
    *


    THE PHONE*

    A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary.* So he decided to buy her a cell phone.* He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.*
    *
    Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
    *
    The next day Meg went shopping.* Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.*
    *
    "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
    *
    Meg replied, "I just love it!* It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."
    *
    "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
    *
    "How did you know I was at Wall-Mart?"
    *


    HE MUST PAY*
    *
    Husband and wife had a tiff Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."*
    *
    Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake.* I am coming to live with you.
    *
    *


    TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE*
    *
    From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
    *
    Then he made the earth round and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
    *
    *
    *

  10. #320
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    A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.* A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.* Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.* Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

    The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.* He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this.* Whose funeral, is it?"

    "My wife's."

    ''What happened to her?"

    "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

    He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

    “My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

    It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood.* Silence passed between the two men.

    The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

    The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
    Don't bring skittles to a gun fight.

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