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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #1
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    Default Joke of the Day

    RESTARTING DELETED THREAD !!!

    WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

    If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you . This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

    Dear Diary,
    For my birthday this year, my daughter purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.

    Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

    Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

    ________________________________

    MONDAY:

    Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

    Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

    Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

    ______________________________

    TUESDAY:
    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
    ______________________________

    WEDNESDAY:
    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

    Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

    My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

    __________________________

    THURSDAY:
    Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

    He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.

    Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
    _________________________________

    FRIDAY:
    I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

    Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
    ______________________________

    SATURDAY:
    Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
    _______________________________

    SUNDAY:
    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

  2. #2
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    Fun Facts About the AR-15

    * The inventor of the AR-15 was Satan, though his patent has since expired.

    * Scientists have confirmed the deadly effects of an AR-15 by giving it to a chimpanzee who then murdered them.

    * Scientists agree that each year the AR-15 will grow more deadly until it kills everyone in the entire world.

    * Some believe that Hitler was in fact an AR-15 in a rubber mask.

    * In the Garden of Eden, God gave Adam and Eve access to every firearm out there except for the AR-15 which he told them not to touch because it was too evil. But then the NRA, in the guise of a serpent, told Eve that the AR-15 is really fun to shoot. So then Eve took the AR-15 and started shooting all the animals in the garden because she is one awesome chick.

    * The part that makes the AR-15 so extra deadly is the handle on top. The AR-15 would be used in less murders if it were more inconvenient to carry.

    * It was an AR-15 that told Miley Cyrus to dance like that.

    * Bullets that are normally harmless will kill instantly when fired out of the AR-15.

    * The reason AR-15s have that prominent handle on them is because the most requested feature for an assault rifle was to be able to carry it like a Hello Kitty lunch box.

    * If you find yourself surrounded by AR-15’s, know that they will fire automatically if they sense fear.

    * The AR-15 is easily concealable and can fit inside a matchbox.

    * The AR-15 is the leading cause of global warming from how its bullets shoot holes in the ozone.

    * A very small percentage of gun deaths are attributed to the AR-15 because it is very good at disguising itself as other guns to frame them.

    * What are the differences between an M16 and an AR-15? Scientists agree that it is something.

    * The AR-15 can be rendered harmless by giving it only a 10 round magazine as people always miss with the first ten rounds and an AR-15 takes an hour and a half to reload.

    * The AR-15 can shoot through schools.

    * In a battle between Aquaman and an AR-15, Aquaman would break down and buy it so people might think he’s more manly.

    * There were no shooting deaths until the invention of an AR-15. No one even considered using a gun to shoot another human being until someone saw an AR-15 and said, “I bet I could use this to kill a lot of people.”

    * There was an assault musket similar to the AR-15 used by the world’s most evil pirates, but it was pronounced “Arrr-15.”

    * The Assault Weapon ban was needed because it is well known that an AR-15 with both a pistol grip and a flash suppressor would be unstoppable by any modern military.

    * In Europe there is no such thing as an AR-15 and thus also no such thing as murders. Instead of being violent, people there just drink wine and smoke cigarettes all day.

    * If you are shot by an AR-15, you become one and kill others.

    * The AR-15 is responsible for 95% of all deaths each year. The rest of the deaths are from obesity and drone strikes.
    (Author Unknown)
    Last edited by MacGyverRI; 10-28-2014 at 10:36 AM.

  3. #3
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    BURIAL PLANS
    A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
    Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
    (HERE IT COMES!!!)











































    The wife said, " Let him dig.
    I had him buried upside down...and
    I know he won't ask for directions."

  4. #4
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    Why "illegal alien" is racist.

    1) Illegal is a sick bird.
    2) Alien: According to the FBI,CIA,FDA, and EPA there is no proof that grays or lizard ppl have ever visited the Earth.

    PeTA says that eagles, spider monkeys, and lizards are people too.


    PS - This is an original joke and no, I won't give up my day job.
    Last edited by B&C USA; 10-29-2014 at 02:54 AM.

  5. #5
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    LOL
    Maybe they're good for Collisions??


  6. #6
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    And now you know why a porcine orgasm lasts 1/2 hour...
    777 FGG

  7. #7
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    Cry in training - laugh in battle

  8. #8
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    "The First Gay President", L'dMAO!! "Peace can ONLY be achieved through SUPERIOR FIREPOWER, STOMPING LIBS and CARPETBOMBING"!!

  9. #9
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    When I read the headline: "Stoned for Adultery", my first thought was a NYC marijuana demonstration sign by the OWS crowd.

  10. #10
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    Cry in training - laugh in battle

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