A FEW NEW, A FEW OLD AND A FEW CUTE.
A married Irishman went* into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with* another woman.'
The priest* said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got* undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing* together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.* For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then* walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started* to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him* saying, 'I saw that.. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The* Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to* you, that's the same as putting it in!'
There once was a religious young woman who went to* Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father,* for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be* forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made* passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard* and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just* waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his* side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell* asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she* stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,* 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it* was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The* man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a* pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish* priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for* the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we* cannot have services for an animal in the church..... But there are some* Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe* they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right* away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the* service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!* Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father O'Malley answers the* phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'This is* the IRS. Can you help us?'
'Do you know a Ted* Houlihan?'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
An elderly man walks into a* confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years* old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and* great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking.* We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm* Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man:* 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam* he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the* ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
An elderly man went to his* doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I* have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor.* 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish* inspector from a pest-control company... One afternoon they were carrying on* in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she* pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became* suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the* closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector* from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in* there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an* infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your* clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and* said, 'Those little bastards!'
Wife:* 'What are you* doing?'
Wife: 'Nothing...?* You've been reading our marriage* certificate* for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
Wife: 'Do* you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your* worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very* kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this* morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I* was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would* you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,'* the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A* FORTUNE!'
A* wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my* sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like* your sense of humor!'
Husbands are* husbands
A man was* sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a* frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied* 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in* your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last* week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went* on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his* wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him* unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit* again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Give me a sense of humor,* Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of* life